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 My first few words in type - wish that I could think of something really epic or even cool but its get something, anything, out or stare at the page till I scare myself into logging out. So deep breaths and lets begin.

Who am I and why am I adding to the blog glut in the virtual world? Do I really expect others to read my 'immortal prose'? And if not, is this more akin to keeping a journal than to talking to oneself? Hmmm...

I am a single mom and have been since before my child was born (he is now a teenager). I love the 'net but rarely make use of its social networking facilities. I read mostly fan fiction online but am mainly a lurker not a poster. My spellings and grammar are probably a little scary, (I like to think of it as individual style and endearingly quirky), and my knowledge of nettiquette is less than zero. Unfortunately my life, of late, demands a release of stress and this is certainly the safest method of venting I know.

No one really grows up with visions of a less than perfect life. Our expectations damn us. Sometimes I have difficulty in believing that this really is my life - and worse, that no fairy Godmother is waiting to wave her wand and magic Prince Charming, pots of money and everything else on my wish list, into my life. WTF? What kind of world is this? Fortunately perhaps, one without a crystal ball. If I had known then that my life would include an abusive ex husband, a marriage I walked out of and so many responsibilities for parents and child, I may have just curled up and let the world fade away. And in doing so, I'd have missed out on the wonder of being mom to my son... 

Being a single mom is stressful in so many different ways, but today it seems that the hardest part is that there is no one to talk to. As Dean Winchester says - gotta keep my game face on! And in a society like mine, where the norm is two parent, happily married (doesn't matter if its more image than reality) families, there are very few people who can really understand what it means to be alone. Hence the talking to myself. Lately, it seems that everywhere I turn people are celebrating ten year anniversaries, silver anniversaries and even a golden one. I had an arranged marriage and its hard not to feel cheated that in trusting in family and traditions I betrayed my own instincts and ended up with the ex from hell. Not that I can call him the ex from hell in front of my son - even if the EFH has never bothered to get in touch with his son ever - don't want to warp my son's sense of who he is. Why is it fair that someone can just destroy a life so easily? 

Questions of the day -  I thought all this crap was dealt with - why is it coming up again? if this is my life, how do I make the best of it? Is this all I can ever expect from life? Or is this just temporary depression talking? I guess tomorrow's entry will tell...


 

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